


Shane vs No Homo BS

by spi11ed_milk



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Asexual and aromantic are two different things, Asexual!Ryan, Cuz I’m a hoe for them, Humor, Implied Bullying, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Homo, Panic Attacks, Ryan is asexual in this, The author is tired, Very romantic at the end, i don’t know how to tag, not aromantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 03:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21246893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spi11ed_milk/pseuds/spi11ed_milk
Summary: Curly makes a joke.Shame is tired of Ryan’s “no homo” bullshit.Ryan has a panic attack.





	Shane vs No Homo BS

**Author's Note:**

> As an asexual human being, I’m writing this from my, kinda, outlook on things like… the devil’s tango. I understand not every person who’s asexual feels this way, but this is the way I do soooo… have fun!

It was a normal day at work. Shane was at his desk and Ryan at his when Curly came up and started talking. It all turned bad when Curly made a joke about having a sex dream with Ryan in it. 

Curly, of course, meant no harm by his joke. No one, not even Shane, knows Ryan is asexual. To be honest, he likes it that way. It doesn’t give people the chance to tell him he’s confused. Ryan gets enough of that for being bi and he really doesn’t want to have to deal with it for not wanting sex. 

Shane, however, sees the situation different, Ryan can tell. Shane, who still thinks Ryan is the super straight, sex crazed frat boy Ryan let’s people think he is, thinks Ryan is being a “no homo” frat boy. 

As soon as the joke is out of Curly’s mouth, Ryan shifts uncomfortably in his seat. The though of someone, no matter how close to him, having sex dreams about him makes his heart race and not in a good way. 

“Haha, yeah, uh,” Ryan says, hesitating. Curly looks confused for a moment, before a look of realization crosses his face. Shane, on the other hand, looks uncomfortable and annoyed. 

“Ryan, I’m sorry, I...” Curly tells him. 

“Can we… not,” Ryan asks, glancing at Shane. The man looks more angry after Curly’s apology and Ryan wants to tell him it’s not him being a no homo asshole. 

“We’ll talk later, Ryan,” Curly says. “I think someone wants to talk to you more, though.”

Ryan glances at Shane, who’s been silent since the sex dream joke. 

“Shane?”

“Seriously, Ryan? I get you’re straight and everything but it was just a joke,” Shane spits out. Ryan’s throat constricts and he has to remind himself to breathe. The last time he had a panic attack over a sex joke was in college and he doesn’t want to go through that kind of embarrassment again. 

“Shane, it’s… um,” Ryan’s voice wavers and he’s sure he looks like an idiot. Not even the most “no homo” asshole had a panic attack over gay sex jokes. Shane’s going to find out soon that Ryan is broken. Shane, who Ryan is in love with. Shane, who would never date Ryan because no one wants a relationship without sex. Or at least handjobs. And Ryan just can’t give anyone that. 

Ryan can cuddle and he can kiss, hell he can even make out sometimes but anything past that sends him into a zone he can only come out of with anxiety meds. 

“Ryan?” Shane sounds confused and maybe even worried. 

“I’m not a no homo asshole,” Ryan says in a rush. His breathing is noticeably labored and he can feel his heart pounding against his rib cage like an innocent man on death row. 

“Ryan, are you okay,” Shane asks. 

“I’m sorry, I’m broken,” Ryan cries, tears falling. 

“What? Ryan, what’re you talking about,” Shane questions quickly. Ryan takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. After a few minutes with Shane asking if he’s okay every thirty seconds, Ryan can finally breathe properly. 

“Shane, I got some things to tell you,” Ryan says slowly. 

“Yeah, I can tell,” Shane responds quietly. “Want me to come over after work and we can talk about it over beer and popcorn?” Ryan nodded his head and they both went back to work. 

===============================

The rest of the work day is awkward, the drive to Ryan’s apartment even worse. It hits Ryan like a ton of bricks: he’s about to confess something he’s only told his old friends in high school-something that did not go over well. 

Curly sent Ryan a text a few seconds after he left the building. 

Curly: good luck, mi hermano. sorry, btw. 

Ryan: You didn’t know, man. 

When they get inside, Shane goes to make popcorn while Ryan gets the beer. While the popcorn finished popping, Ryan breaks the silence. 

“Shane… I’m not a no homo asshole.”

“Okay,” Shane says slowly, motioning for him to continue. 

“I’m asexual,” Ryan tells him. “I don’t… I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. I get really uncomfortable when people start talking about me and sex and I have panic attacks thinking about having sex with people and when people make sex joke about me. I don’t want you to think I’m a no homo asshole. I’m actually bi.”

“I kinda figured you weren’t a no homo asshole once you started having a panic attack,” Shane says with a small laugh. “Thanks for telling me, Ry.”

“Yeah, you’re actually the first person I’ve told since high school,” Ryan says. “I mean, Curly figured it out pretty quick today but… I didn’t tell him.”

“Thank you for trusting me, Ryan,” Shane almost whispers. Ryan quickly hugs Shane and buries his face in his chest. “Can I ask you something?”

Ryan pulls away and nods his head. Shane looks nervous and Ryan wants to pull the man back into a hug. 

“How… how would you feel about someone having a crush on you?”

“It’d depends on who it is, really, but as long as its not someone I hate or a creepy stalker, I’d be fine with it. Why? Do you know someone with a crush on me? Wait, no, let me guess! Uh, that one intern that keeps telling me music puns?”

“No, wow,” Shane chuckles. “Curly’s right, little guy, you are oblivious. I’m… I’m the one with the crush.”

“You like me,” Ryan asks with a huge smile on his face. Shane nods and Ryan feels like he’s about to burst with happiness. “I, uh, like you too.”

“Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

“Are you sure you want to date me,” Ryan questions, suddenly doubting. “I mean, you won’t be getting any sex from me and I don’t want you to, like, have a side hoe If you date me, the most you’re getting is making out.”

“Ryan, I have a hand, I’m fine with that,” Shane says with a laugh. “I don’t need sex to be happy in a relationship. If i date you, I date you and no ‘side hoe.’”

“I’d love to be your boyfriend, Shane.”


End file.
